confessions

Life is so sibei siannn leh!

Hahahaha k la i dun mean it the negative way but i AM really very sick of my mundane lifestyle every single day!
Everyday i wake up, i stone. I will think of what to do later on in the day and everyday is the same. ZZZZZ leh seriously.
Teach tuition, use comp, boyf, occasional meetups with friends, Tv watching on alternate nights. Its getting boring.
I need excitement, i want fun, i need something, anything, to excite me, make me look forward to life everyday!
It used to be SO easy! Everday going to JJ is so exciting i love it! Making new friends, meeting friends everyday, everyday used to be so fun! Sighhh i miss school days:/

They say happiness lies in your own hands, so i try everyday to find things to do that would excite myself. And to do that i need to go out everyday, with lots and lots of friends, because staying at home is just so boring because i need to talk, and laugh, and go crazy to feel excited.

So i plan meetups, outings, lots and lots of it. And it really works! On that day that i have something to do, friends to go out with i'll wake up so damn happy and jump out of bed to get ready haha!
But unfortunately it doesn't happen everyday.

Because all my friends are ALL SO DAMN BUSY!!!!!!!!! (K la i also quite busy, but not damn busy! haha!)

I'm not complaining (okay fine, i AM complaining), but haizzzz can't they make time for ME???!?!!?:(
Dun they wanna see me too??!?!?!?! Haizzzz finee maybe they dun really wanna see me siann:(
BUT I REALLY WANNA SEE THEM!!!! DEAR FRIENDS I MISS YOU ALL VERY VERY MUCH!!!! I WANNA GO OUT EVERYDAY WITH YOU ALL! If not i really fucking no life lehh!!! CAN YOU ALL PLEASE MAKE TIME FOR ME PLEASE??????:///

Okay moving on, let me touch on the topic of love. Hahaha!
Love's amazing, everytime i'm with him i get butterflies all over my body. And everytime i see him my heart skips abit. Everything i do with him seems like the best thing to do and everywhere he brings me seems like the best place on Earth.

And everytime we need to part my heart cries. And this is where it really sucked. Evertime he say byebye my heart drops down, i can feel it. I dun wanna say byebye but i need to because i also wanna go home and watch TV with my mommy hahha! It's not like we'll never meet again but stilllll, it's really heartbreakening seeing him go down the stairs and hearing the sound of his slippers getting softer and softer:(

And despite how much i wanna see him i still kept disappointing him. I suck. But i really can't stand the thought of seeing you just for one hour before i need to rush off for tuition again!:/ I dun like to say byebye to you la!

And finally, one last thing before i end this post and rush off to tutor my naughty twin sisters, I DUN LIKE TO GO HOME LATE!!!!! I wanna reach home everyday before 8 to see my mommy and watch TV with her haha! (Because that's the ONLY time i'll get to see her everyday cause she works till 7 plus EVERYDAY siannnnnnn:/)
My mommy is my greatest happiness, being with her makes me feel so safe and secure and contented. Watching TV with my mommy is heaven:D And knowing that my daddy and brobro is outside watching the other TV (their sports channel) is paradise!;D

Oka byebye going tuition now! Please let me catch the bus at 9.30pm so that i can be home by 10pm tonight for TV with my mommy heee!;D

Time, it flies.

I wish i could turn back time, to the days when i have a curfew.
I wish i could slow time down, so that i could rush home in time eveeryday for dinner with my family.
I just wish i could be back home by 8pm everyday. It'll be all i'd ever ask for, i promise.

I miss my mommy. I miss my daddy. I miss my brother.
It's been so long since we've had dinner together.

For no matter how big i am now, i'm still my daddy's little girl and my mommy's only treasure.

!@#$%^& to a busy life ahead

Finally have some time to myself for blogging!!!
Gosh i've thousand and one things to blog about but have no time to blog them all T.T!
Hectic schedule, busy life and a thousand and one activities going on everyday and I LOVE IT! Hmmmm, not really actually:/

I used to love being busy, because it meant that i'm not rotting nor wasting my time, my life, my youth away! Being busy makes me feel like i'm making full use of my time and living life to the fullest! So it really feels good! Plus, when you're busy, you simply dun have the time to hu si luan xiang, nor rot at home, nor think emo, hence, Being busy keeps me happy actually:D
But, now that everyday's fully packed, i dun have time for reading, watching kpop, reading blogs, cutting my nails, trimming my hair, squeezing my pimples, blogging, watching tv with my mommy, nor even time to buy a new conditioner (i've been washing my hair without conditioner for 5 days already because no time to buy new one grrrrrr!!) Oh the irony!:@

I miss the days when i would reach home before 7, sit around with my storybook, then bath a super long bath, dry my hair slowly, go watch TV with my mommy before she sleeps and then go to bed myself before 10pm!! Now, it's been so long since i've reached home before 10pm and sleeps before 1am:(
I MISS MY MOMMY! So very much! I reached home everyday after she fell asleep and woke up everyday after she went to work. WTS?!?! The only times i see my mommy and she see me is when we're sleeping -.-

Busy life, i dun think i really like you that much now.

Money issues.

Let's talk about money.
Money is the root of all evil.
You have it, you're evil, you dun have it, you die.

I'm stingy, yes, i know, very very stingy, stop reminding me about it already!
But given a choice who would want to be stingy?!?! I dun like being stingy and kept having to be called cheapo or wadever!
IF I HAVE MONEY I WOULD SPEND SPEND SPEND, TREAT EVERYBODY EVERYTHING, PAY FOR ALL THE RICH ASS STUFFS AND FEEL SUPER GOOD ABOUT IT! Because it's an act of generousity and everybody LOVES generous people!
But as much as I WANT to do that, I CAN'T! I DUN HAVE THE MONEY. IM NOT RICH! Everything i spend on i have to think twice, i can't afford to buy branded goods (that's why half of my clothes are from bugis street), i never had anything branded before in my whole life, and everytime i eat in restuarants i look through the menu and choose the most cheapskate food.
And people call me cheapo. For years.
And for years i've been trying my best not to mind, to take it as a joke, remain positive and think of it as a compliment, because AT LEAST i look good in cheapo clothes.
But I REALLY DUN LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!! WHO LIKES TO BE CALLED CHEAPSKATE EVERYDAY!?!?!? BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE TO BE RYT!!! BECAUSE I DUN HAVE MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And i still can't find any job wts!!! I need money i want money i accepted almost every job recruit express intro me, called every tuition centre number, went for every interview and end up with what?!
NO REPLIES, NO CALLS BACK, NO JOB, NO MONEY.
Im not sad, im not being emotional, im just angry, and disappointed. Im trying my best already, but its still to no avail.

OKAY RANTING COMPLETE.
IM NOT USUALLY LIKE THIS. (In fact, this is the first time i've posted up this kind of negative stuff on my blog!)
IT'S JUST CAUSE I REALLY CANT TAKE MONEY PROBLEMS ANYMORE I NEED TO TELL YOU ALL THAT IM NOT BEING CHEAPO, OR BORN STINGY! IM JUST SPENDING THE MOST I CAN OUT OF THE DAMN LITTLE MONEY I HAVE!!!!!!!!!
2012 is coming, Duck says we might really all just perish in 2012.
So i should stop being vexed over dumb money issues and NO WORK NO WORK LO!
If we're all gonna be gone by 2012 i'd rather use up all my savings, play my days away and spend all my time with my friends and family than to go work.
STAY POSITIVE.
Because those who mind (me being stingy/cheapo) dun matter, and those who matter dun mind (me being stingy/cheapo) !;D

I'm a loserrrrrrr:/

Hello I have a problem.
I give up easily. Like so damn easily?! I just give up and give up and give up and end up getting nowhere!

Giving up is weak, it's meant for the cowards, i know.
But i can't help it! I just dun like to presevere when i see no point in it! Like you keep going on and on but in the end also fail no point ryt! Waste time only!

Hahahaha so is giving up really that bad?!?!

If i didn't give up on Chemistry is Sec 3 i might have gotten an A for it and taken the Science course. But i gave up, dropped the subject and end up in the Arts course. AND IM LOVIN IT!!!;D Arts course is so much more suited for me as compared to the Science.
So, giving up is for the greater good.:D

If i didn't give up on the temp job i had ytd and continue working for 10 days i would have gotten $240 at the end of it. But i gave up, quitted and can't get any pay. But THAT'S OKAY!!!;D I have now freed up 10 nights which i can go spend time with my friends and family instead of working my legs off doing weird stuffs!
So, giving up is for the greater good.:D

If i didn't give up on the admin job Leehui recommended me i would have start working and earning $$$ already. But i gave up (because i really dunno how to use microsoft excel) and so no more job for me. But THAT'S OKAY too!!!:D Because now i can find even better jobs that require minimal knowledge of stupid mircrosoft excel even though the pay would be lesser, but thats okay!;D
So, giving up is for the greater good.:D

If i didn't give up during heated discussions or the more gentler persuasions with my friends and dear brother (who always like to argue with me), i would have gotten MY WAY and do things according to how I WANT it. But WHAT'S THE POINT when even though you've won your side of the argument, you lose the close friendship and relationship that you used to have, ryt! I'd rather give in than end up with a sour relationship!;D
So, giving up is for the greater good.:D

So nope! I give up easily but that doesn't mean i'm a loser.
I'm a winnerrrrrrrr and i love this problem i have hahahaha!

on the pursuit of love.

Everytime i see couples on the streets, in the school, on the train, in the cinemas, everywhere(!), i would be wondering where's mine where's mine where's mine OH WHERE'S MY OTHER HALF!?!!

Love is sweet, but that's only when he loves you and you love him (which doesn't always happen to everybody, only the very very lucky few are able to find their "right" other halves and even then, both parties have to put in lots of efforts to keep that love going), other tthan that, love just tastes so sour, so salty and so so so bitter!
Love is horrendously hard. You can't read his mind and he can't read yours. He seems to love you one moment and not so much the next. You get sick and he gets tired. It's hard to trust, and even harder to stay loyal. Ppl do change and feelings do fade.
HAHA but of course im only referring to the boy girl kind of love!;D And luckily, it's only the complicated boy-girl love that's like this! The love for my family and my friends is so much simpler and oh-so-sweet too hahaha! I love them and they love me, from the very bottom of all our hearts:D

On a sidenote, i want to watch MBLAQ's IDOL ARMY so so so much! And the korean drama "kissing you" (i think) too! One month before, during A lvls i've got so much time to use the comp and watch youtube but unfortunately i can't because i need to study! But now that that A lvls shit is over i've got no time watch hahaha! But that's okay! I'm loving my newfound busy life!!;DD

Ten notes to self:

1. Keep your hands to yourself, some girls DO mind.
2. STOP BUYING CLOTHES!
3. Not all girls behave all think like me. Personifying girls as a whole would just be an over generalization.
4. SLEEP EARLIER!!!! your eyes are getting darker, puffier and saggier with each passing late night:/
5. STOP BEING LATE! Punctuality is really important and appreciated.
6. Just because others dun behave or think the same way as i do doesn't make me right or put them in the wrong. We are just many different individuals each with unique mindsets. I would just have to learn to understand and accept that.
7. EXERCISE!!!
8. Not everyone has a good/nice temper. You just have to make yours better haha!
9. You can't go around pleasing everybody, it's impossible. There would always be someone who disapproves. But so long as the majority are pleased, it's alright!;D
10. Buy pad. HAHAHAHA!

back to square one

I dun like to study. I dun like waiting for traffic lights. I dun like waiting for buses. I dun like PE lessons. I dun like to sweat. I dun like oranges. I dun like durians. I dun like people who dun smile. I dun like wearing spectacles. I dun like to be underestimated. I dun like to be alone. I dun like gas-sy drinks. I dun like lemon tea too.

I like swimming. I like shopping. I like eating maggie mee. I like water chestnut. I like watching movies. I like watching TV. I like reading love stories. I like 8 days. I like friendly personalities. I like watermelons. I like purple. I like mascaras. I like drizzles. I like heart shapes. I like long long letters/messages. I like being tan. I like being with all my friends. I like sharing secrets. I like playing old maid. I like marshmellows and honey stars:D

Running away

The JC route is definitely not a walk in the park. You do the most sickening thing on earth(studying) everyday and you still cannot eliminate completely the possibility of being unable to make it to a local university. A lousy A lvl cert is crap. You can't make it to a local Uni and you're going to be stuck halfway. It's antagonizing just thinking about it. I'm super lazy and a little bit stupid. I'm afraid i cannot make it. My prelim results are not up to standard at all! And i keep running away. I just can't bring myself to sit in front of my table and study! Oh my this is not going to work. I have to start burying myself in notes soooooon!

Phobia of guys T.T

It's getting back to me again.
I used to be so afraid of boys in my pri sch and lower secondary days tat i would actually turn and walk in another direction upon seeing the opposite sex or try to keep the furthest distance away from them as possible if there is really no other way of averting them! So yea, i think i actually spent half my life avoiding boys back then hhaha!
Then it got better when i reach upper sec and had my first boyfriend. He taught me how to hold a conversation with boys and to actually muster up the courage to look them in the eye. It's really nice to have guy friends around really.

But recently, my phobia found it's way back.
I dunno why but i'm feeing all awkward, out of place and totally weird whenever i'm around them! Even during class outings and friends gathering and such the feeling of awkwardness just kicks in. It's horrible and totally sucky! I do the most silliest things and spill out the most idiotic nonsense around guys that i would usually not. It's almost like i'm another person, someone who had no idea at all how to behave in front of boys. So i keep quiet, stand still and die down. I dun feel alive at all. It really does take alot of effort to maintain a kool front and behave normally in front of them. Then once some guy speaks to me, my inside freaks out and i reply him with the most stupidest answer ever that even i would cringe when i recall what i've just said. Worse still, i even have to force myself to look into the eyes of that opposite sex when we're talking!

Oh my i think i'm really better of being with all my girlfriends! It's when i feel like myself and not all awkward and stupid hahaha!

this is a wordy post

Studying makes me wonder. So many things have crossed my mind these days. I've been thinking uncontrollably about my future. It's something i hadn't really gave much thought about before.
Hmmmmm it seems like reading deep into my notes really made me mature. How is it gonna be like after i graduate and step into the real world? How could studying help??
I dun yearn for much. When i grow up, i guess it's okay if i dun have an established career, or a lavish apartment. I dun even need a car, a swimming pool under my block, a membership card to my name or anything like that. All i've ever wanted is just to be able to stay with all my friends, provide for my parents, get married, be a mom and live happily ever after!
I've always said i wanted to marry rich, be a taitai bla bla bla. haha but who doesn't??:D But of course i know this is highly unattainable. At the end of the day i'll gladly just settle for a simple life.
With great power comes great responsibility. (i guess that goes for money/affluence as well) And great responsibilty is always accompanied by great stress. I dun ever wanna feel stressed! There's some ppl who work well under stress, but i'm not one of them.
I give up easily, be it arguments, exams or even relationships. Once i can't get it, i let it go. I still remember how once i can't understand chem in sec 3 and just decided to drop the subject altogether the next day haha! So i guess the "endure all and you'll see the rainbow" stuff dun work on me. I'd rather not endure. A lvls are torturous, there's so many times i dun feel like not caring anymore. But i guess i'll just have to endure it through this time. A lvls are in three months time. It's one hurdle i'd have to cross. This, i can't give up.

Studying is sickening. I'm trying my best to motivate myself and hence this stupid post HAHA!

I'm not that friendly anymore:(

I used to love saying hi to all the ppl i know but now i hardly even wave to them anymore.
HAHA this is going to be a little sad i guess, but yea, i'm not that hyper or smiley anymore!:( (wellllll i still am, but not so much! haha!)

Perhaps it's the A LVLS stress or maybe it's just the work of my mundane J2 life. I'm starting to feel abit afraid! What if i cant get into NUS or NTU or SMU?!? Then i'm gonna die big time. I'll be stuck halfway, not knowing where else to go. Everybody's working so hard now! And i'm still playing my time away! Hmmmmmmmmmm, maybe it's time i should really start studying already!!!

But i just cant! HAHA! Since june i've been telling myself to study study and everyday i come home from school i'm doing everything except studying! GRRRRRRR!
Studying makes me sad, really! When i'm all alone in my room with only my pathetic notes to accompany me through my evening till 9pm (that's when my mom will come and call me to watch TV tgt!;D), all the horrible thoughts and feelings which i had successfully block out all comes back to me! It's just like how the water behind a dam got stored up until it's so immense that the dam could no longer hold the vast amount of water back anymore and have no choice but to release it.

I would often think about irrelevant things like how i could make people like me, or how i could make my hair nicer, or ponder over the idea of dyeing my hair - (would dyeing harm my hair??) to the more mature topics like what should i aspire to be when i grow up.
And in the process i'll start worrying about how i'm gonna support my parents in the future, about how everything's gonna be ruined if i dun get into a university, about how i should continue if i dun get married before 25 (or can't even find a husband at all! Ohhh the horror:/ ), about how i'm still gonna meetup with all my friends considering how busy everyone's lives will be when we graduate from school and move on to work and set up our own families! Oh my just thinking about my future makes me heavyhearted!

I don't want to move on! I don't want to grow up! I don't want to leave school! I don't want to enter the hectic and seemingly mean workforce! I don't want to part from my classmates! I don't want to be seperated from my friends and being able to meet them only like once every month! I don't want to feel vexed over money matters or family problems or baby problems!
I just want to remain how i am now, in school with all my friends and classmates! I still want to be able to go shopping, movies, swimming...everything i like as and when i want without a care in the world! Ponning school is as easy as ABC when youre still young and carefree and lively! But once you enter adulthood and pon your work, haha you'll give your boss a bad impression and frequent ponning will make you at risk of losing your job!

When you grow up, everything has a price and in everything you do, you have to be responsible, you can't shake problems off like child's play like how i'm shaking things off now! Gosh i dun want to grow up! I dun think i can survive!!

It's funny how peculiar thoughts can just pop out in your head when you're alone and just stoning.

Why can't the world just be a nice and friendly place forever where everyone just loves and adores each other and smile every single second?!
Why can't there be an equal number of boys and girls so everyone would be able to find their soulmate and live happily ever after?!
Why can't everyone just remain young and beautiful till they actually got sick of life and decides to poof and become a flower or something?!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I guess it's true how people say one can never be hundred percent worry-free.
But it's alright;D I'll just have to endure till it's 9pm! Haha!;D