I'm happy again now!:D But i shall just keep this post here cause i think i typed really well here lolll (I ownself think one la haha, but really my English like the best when im sad!)
And to all my dear precious friends who sent me messages of happiness, THANK YOU for all the love and concern! I can't thank you all enough but LOVE YOU ALL hehehe! May us all be happy everyday!:)
I'm usually a happy girl, in fact, i'm a happy girl everyday, but sometimes nights like this i cant sleep and sad thoughts just enter my head. It's like i've been trying my best to fight off negative thoughts each day but sometimes my brain gets too tired and lose the battle. Money, parents, school, love... the list goes on. I know im really a very very VERY lucky and blessed girl already, and im not complaining, but i guess everybody have their worries and moments of sadness.
Today, my friends encouraged me to aim for honours degree again. And i told them the same thing, no. The main reason was because i could not even hit the minimum CAP score required for me to go onto honours. But of course, if i had put in more time and effort into my studies i may be able to, but a small part of me do not wish to. I hate studying not because i hate studying, i hate it because i have to compete. All my life i've been competing, to be the top 10, top 3 in class, to get into a good school, good uni. Im so tired already. I hate competition. I dun wanna fight with others. Just let them win lo, i dun mind already. I hate all the stress that comes with competition. I hate all the bitterness i feel for my own close friends when i lost to them. I really hate it all. This is my own weakness, i know, but im not changing, i really hate it, and i dun want to live like that anymore.
And tonight, the coughs from both my parents reminded me of how they were getting old, and weaker. And we're not rich. I really dun want them both to work every single day for such long hours for their effing meagre pay anymore. I really want to start earning money for them asap, i want to take care of them, i want them both to stay at home, cook lunch and dinner for me. i want to buy them their favorite stuffs, take them for good meals and bring them on holidays. These 20 years, i've only went to Malaysia with them, and it was just once. My friends fly to Japan, Korea, Australia every single holiday, every single year, and i can only envy, and feel bitter. I tell myself i dun care, "Singapore also can holiday and happy what, dun need go overseas one" every single time but i really do mind:( I wanna go Japan, Korea and Australia too, so much.
Sometimes i dunno know what the hell am i doing. I dunno how should i feel, i dunno why am i feeling like that, i know its wrong and i shldnt think like that, but i cant help it. To you too, Im still insecure. 3 more years, and then 2 more years, i dunno if i shld wait, i dunno what would happen, i dunno if what Im choosing now is right. Sometimes i really do not know what do i want anymore. I feel so lost, and unsure.
I feel like i've lost myself. I didnt smile much today, i mean i still do, quite alot too, but i feel happier in the past. The happiness i tried to make myself feel today were so hard to get. These 2 years is a constant effort to make myself feel happy, it shdlnt be like this right? I get jealous, envious, and bitter everyday, of my own close friends somemore. What's wrong with me right. I know i should genuinely and sincerely, from the bottom of my heart feel happy for all the good things that happen to all my friends, i know, and im trying very hard to everyday. But some nights like this i cant help but feel the bitterness, let jealousy take over and wonder why cant i have what they have.
Sighhhh i know these thoughts are so scary and negative. I will go to sleep now and be a better person tml. Goodnight.
